Depressive Love

I’ve got a problem…
I like girls…
No, I’m not gay… But it’s a grammar problem.
I like girls, not girl.

All my life, I’ve had a crush on one girl, and one girl only… But lately, I just haven’t!
I love women, there’s nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for their scent, their smile, their eyes… But I think it’s something wrong when there’s a bigger focus on girls, rather then girl. If my focus is on one girl, I’ve got no interest in girls, other then that girl.
But I just haven’t.
Recently I’ve been wondering if I’m emotionally dead. I don’t think so, but sometimes, it just feels like it.

It’s not like I’ve don’t have any chance with women… Or at least, I don’t think so. But it like as if I’m unconsciously refusing them. I often know when they flirt with me, but in most cases, I say: “Thank you, good bye”.
Take this for an example. I went to the drug store to buy some stuff, the drug store was totally empty, with three employees inside. Once I enter the store and approach the counter, there was this quiet conversation between two of them, going:
-“psst, psst…”
-“what? You’ll take this customer? Ok!”
-“Shhh!”
This really cute Chinese girl behind the counter helped me out, and we spoke for a while about the logic with me spending 150kr at the doctor to get the prescription to buy some prescription-free drugs for 50kr, while it would cost 180kr to buy it without the prescription… We both laughed while she dealt with the paper-works. There and then, I knew I had a perfect chance to ask her out, or ask her for her phone number… But I just paid up, smiled, and left.

I really don’t know why, but I guess some parts of me knew that she would say no, or she already had a boyfriend or something. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to hard before, and gotten no-where? Either way, not being in love is crushing me. I feel emotionally dead, but at the same time, my life is better then ever.
I’ve got great friends. I don’t get to see them as much as I would like to, but they’re still great. My job is wonderful! My co-workers are great, and fun to work with. I’m au-par with the bills, and money-wise, my car is running great, with no problems, other then the problems it gets me into…
So why this depressive feeling?
How can love be so powerful?

Trough the eyes of the enemy

She was perfect.
-“What’s your name, gorgeous?”
-“I’m not gorgeous, heehee.”
Like I died and went to heaven, her laughter… Oh God, her laughter.
-“Emily.”
-“Oh baloney, Emily. You’re by far gorgeous! You’re like the most beautiful thing I’ve seen to this date.”
Her laughter… More of it. Was this love?
We hung out all the time. Like a couple in love. Reason didn’t exist. What matters were me, and her.
We spent hours and hours under all the apple trees. My family air loom, apples. 10 Acers of it. I hated apples. It reminded me of my father, and what he did to me. She loved it though. As long as she loved it, I loved it. I loved her.
Her first time… I wanted to make it special. To make it count. I told her I loved her. I did. I really did.
She was in pain. I could tell, but she wouldn’t say anything.
-“It’ll be better next time.” I tried to comfort her. But she wouldn’t listen.
That was the last I saw of her. Like all the ones before her. Why did they run from me?
Wasn’t my love enough?
I missed her. But she never came back.
I didn’t hear from her. Until two years ago. I can’t believe she betrayed me.
I didn’t care if she was 11.

For the record, I’m not writing a real life story. I was just watching “Brat Camp” on TV, where kids got sent to this Camp because of their misbehaviour. One of the girls there was 17, and really self-destructive, and almost tore apart her family. On this camp, she admits she got raped by a family friend when she was just a child.
If you kill a person, you’ll probably be thrown in jail for the rest of your life.
If you destroy the childhood of several kids, and permanently destroy their perception to the world. You’ll get 4 months to 5 years.